Do you have your calculator?

Yeah I know the title is rather odd.

I have a boss Steve. Or I guess I should say did. Steve passed away last week. We lost our boss and friend. His family lost a son, a brother, a friend, an uncle.

Steve and I had our times we disagreed over a renewal. He saw it from a math view, I saw it from an English view. I can't count the times I think I annoyed him when he would do math in his head and I'd just stare and possibly drool cause I couldn't add even with my fingers.

We got along, we're just competative people you know.

Steve used to run our trainings for the department. He would send us a reminder e-mail to remember our calculators. Or he'd stop us as we were sitting down in the big conference room and ask us where our calculator was if we hadn't brought one. He would do calculations for different adjustments that we may be training on and after he was done writing on the white board and turn around, 1/3 would know what he did, 1/3 who would be scribbling frantic notes and 1/3 would be lost. It depended on the day and how much coffee I had which group I ended up in.

I could never imagine what it would be like to be in one of his classes. He taught college, probably better than a lot of the professors I had.

He had been ill for a while and finally went on leave in February in hopes to get the cancer to go into remission for good. We all held out hope that one day he would be back, walking around the department in his socks, questioning out rate actions. We had hoped the health crisis would be over for a good long time.

It didn't. I saw him in Hospice a couple Fridays ago. He looked like himself, but wasn't himself. He knew who we were throught hospital masks, but it wasn't the same. He had a bad night before we came so the few of us who came from work didn't stay long. His dad and sister were there. We left after 10 minutes.

He slipped into a coma that afternoon and never came back. He went to his spiritual home Monday. He was Catholic, which I somehow knew and seemed to surprise a lot of people.

So he has been memorialized and remembered and we are trying to move on. Learning a lot we never knew about the guy, but it makes a lot of sense if you think about it.

So, Steve, yes I have my calculator. Its on my desk at work. You will be remembered every time we have to drag them to a staff meeting. You will be remembered a lot. So far a day hasn't gone by we don't mention you.

We all miss you.

Yet another week of summer here

So, we at Casa de Toast are almost through yet another week of the summer. This week was Vacation Bible School. Complete with Costumes for some of the teachers and t-shirts for the kids. Cause this year was something like Egypt and Joseph. Or at least James has told me about the costumes. He's been dropping the kids off. My friend Lynne warned me about this before when the committee finally picked a curriculum. But they have had record turn out for this year. Which is good for them.

Both kids have seemed like they like VBS again this year. Jimmy can't remember the songs they are doing and Bri is getting embarrased when we ask her. They also increased the age limits so Bri can go again next year as before it looked like this was her last year. Cheap summer option FTW! Thank you church. And Eema cause she has been getting them from VBS at the end of the day.

Next week, we have no clue. Jimmy is scheduled to FINALLY have all his cavities fixed on Wens. Which means he's not going to camp next week since we don't know how he's going to react to be put to sleep to do all this work. Which means we have to make arrangements for BOTH OF THEM. Ugh.

Are we done YET?

Summer vacation has gone on too long

So we here at Casa de Toast are in the throws of summer vacation.

Namely, no scheduling. See the lovely girl scouts, in an effort to save money, cancelled the usual first week of camp. The Y followed suit, I think. I'm not too sure.

Anyhow, we have had two kids with two separate sets of grandparents this week. Gotta keep em separated. (Now I'm going to listen to The Offspring while writing this post. You're welcome). Bri has been fine with this. Bri was always my flexible kid. We could change plans at the last minute and as long as she was cool with the plan, or there was junk food or a browsing trip to toys r us involved, she was fine.

Jimmy, however, is NOT my flexible kid. Jimmy is Mr. Routine. We learned this YEARS ago and we have to have some sort of schedule for him every day, even if its kinda vague, it helps him. Changing plans mid stream usually results in massive fits. Not fun. Well, even with this week being with my parents, that hasn't been enough. I man my dad taking him to the park down the street to play with the kids of my childhood friends, and him eating them out of house and home daily. By 5pm, he is bouncing off the walls and just out of sorts. Its not tons of junk food, he eats pretty well there for the limited list he will eat. I had him Monday and Tuesday night due to various meetings and he was just a handful by about 8 pm. Then we get into the mommy's mean discussion and its not pretty.

So next week, just like his sister, he will be going to camp. Not girl scout camp, you can all breathe, althought he would be happy. He's going to Y camp, Bri will be at Girl Scout camp. The following week is VBS at church, which is only half a day but cheaper than camp. After that, no clue. Plans we had made before have fallen through due to many circumstances that sorry I cannot talk about here now.

How many weeks until school begins again?

The Elephant on the therapist couch

So, another thing that has been going on around here is dealing with me.

I know that sounds so weird, but I need to get this off my chest.

I know I've referenced my depression before here. What I haven't told you is that is not the only things going on in my head.

I'm bi-polar, or really, unoffically bi-polar. Not officially anything cause no doctor wants to make the diagnosis.

About two years ago, I had my first manic period. It wasn't pretty and if you really want to know, ask James how it went. Better yet, DON'T ask James how it went. I'm not sure how much the kids or anyone else really knew about that time. It went away after I told James one more day like this and you need to commit me. At that point, I was going to do something stupid or lose it completly. It lasted one rather long week. During which I was internaly struggling with everything going on not to completly lose it. I went on quietly with my life for a while after that.

I had a second one about 7 months later. It was less severe than the previous one. I weathered it out and got throught.

About 8 months ago, I had my third one. Luckily, I was on Paxil at the time for my migraines, which made it almost bearable. Still, James weathered the brunt of the damage. It lasted less than a week and I thought maybe being on the Paxil we could be done with this.

Then the Paxil carpet was ripped out from under me. Since it wasn't helping the migraines, the neuro pulled it and that was that.

I have done good so far, but its getting about time for another period to rear its head, based on the history. And maybe it is going on now, not too sure about that. But that is not my point. I'm sure I have shorter manic periods all the time and just don't realize it.

The problem has been that I CANNOT get a doctor to take me seriously. I've had depression since I was 12 years old. I've tried to kill myself. I'm not proud of it but I have. I've pondered it more than I've wanted to attempt it. I've had panic attacks for the past few years. I don't have them often, but they happen from time to time. And now add the mania on. I've tried talking to doctors, I've failed depression screenings, I've been told its normal to cry for no good reason, that all I tell them about what is going on is PERFECTLY NORMAL. The only reason I've ever been given antidepressants is for migraines NOT depression. I know I'm NOT NORMAL.

(And don't get me started on that. People I know can get all kinds of pain killers, stomach meds, psych meds and such from their docs, I can barely get a week supply of anything from my docs. Really I'm in pain, sorry that I look like I'm having a good day.)

And the kicker? I can't get up the courage to call for an intake appointment with a local health office a friend referred to me, since her son goes there for his ADD. CANNOT DO IT. I've confided in a few friends, including one with bi-polar, about what has been going on. All agree I NEED TO DO THIS, and I still CANNOT.

I don't know why. I know my insurance covers this, at a pathetic level. I have the number, I just cannot dial it. Even James, who has grown tired of my depression and such, thinks I should do this. He's willing to drag me there. But I can't. I think I'm afraid the news is going to be worse than it already is. And I will no longer be THAT MOM in Bri's school like I am now but THAT MOM WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS.

I've even just pondered going in somewhere and having myself committed for a time to get to the bottom of this. But I chicken out and leave, I can't even leave the car. I've even debated going out of the area to a hospital, but since I'm writing this, you can tell how well THAT idea went.

Why is this NOT easy at all? And advice or suggestions, please?

End of school year is FINALLY here

So, we have officially reached the end of the year for both kids.

Jimmy was done first for the year as of last Wednesday. His school's official last day was Thursday, but since he goes in the afternoon, they were done Wednesday. They had their last day fun in class and he got a car math game and his photo album from his teacher like every year. They get pictures of all the things they do during the year.

Bri was done this morning. They had park day last week. Which it was flaming hot outside and I think she had a good day. She came home sweaty and bright red. However, they changed how Park Day was handled. Last year, we had to pay $3 for the pizza and donate anything extra we wanted for supplies. Some parents were assigned items but we were not. This year, we got assigned items to bring. Nothing like supplying 5 oz dixie cups for this thing. I want my extras back, but will never see them again.

Bri had her last mass for the year and then I think they were cleaning out her desks. I think these last days are kinda a waste. Two hours and then go home. Jimmy's would have been an hour and a half if he was in AM Early Childhood.

James got their bikes together the other night for them so the kids have been charging out of the house when we get home and staying out until dusk with the neighbor kids. Bri has almost gotten the hang of riding a two wheeler. I haven't seen it since I went out to write last night.

Meanwhile, I did my first 5k since last August. I'm trying to get back into my groove of one a month but its proving harder than I thought. There is supposed to be one this weekend at our local Y but my calf muscles STILL HURT! I may have to wait another week or two and take it then. I did finish in under an hour, 52:55. Not shabby in my opinion. However it was a chotic start and walk. It wasn't chip timed, it was a shot gun start. And people did not know how these things go or did not listen to the directions. The runners were getting mad at the walkers, but they were behind us and should have been in front of us. Some guy walked it in flip flops and a woman was on her cell phone the entire time. Ugh.

And Mildred keeps making appearances. The weather here has thrown her for a loop and I ended up taking today off. Prescription pain killers would not knock her out. Full neurological symptoms (arm/leg numb, nausea, left eye out of focus) which hasn't happened in quite a while. I'm feeling slightly better but now my eye hurts.

I just need an ENTIRE weekend of sleep. I don't sleep as everyone knows. I almost fell asleep at my desk a couple times yesterday, which sucks. I don't normally do that.

So, only how many weeks of summer to survive?